Whew, I was not warned about the holidays with a child in
tow.
While they were joyful, special and fun, the holidays were
at times, a bit, how shall I put this…crazy
and chaotic.
So with almost no research, I have compiled a list of three
things new parents might also be reflecting on this holiday season.
1) Performing:
I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted from performing. Christmas is a really
special time for new parents. We are overwhelmed with love and with a sense of gratitude.
But… (you knew there was going to be a
but) it can be a bit like being on stage. Let’s face it, new babies have no
idea what was going on.
Take unwrapping gifts, for instance, you sit
the baby in your lap, wrapped box in hand. You take her hands and try to help
her to “unwrap the gift.” She fumbles around for a while, while everyone
watches. Meanwhile you are smiling like a goof.
Eventually, you unwrap the gift and hey, it may or may not make a
hideous noise. Either way, you say
“Thank you,” and the baby looks confused, with a furrowed brow, as if to say
“Can we just eat and nap now?”
One day she will realize that the holidays
are the only time it is socially acceptable for an adult to eat and nap for
four days straight—I’m so depressed after writing that sentence. I need to take
a break.
I’m Back! Except not that excited, so more
like… I’m back.
2) Traditions:
Some traditions are very creepy. [My wife hates when I write the word very to add value to an adjective, but
I’mma be real wich ya, VERY is
necessary here.] Santa…amiright?
Parents pay money to stand in line for
hours (often in a dingy, dirty mall), so that their littles can sit on the lap
of an elderly stranger wearing a red velvet jumpsuit sporting a lengthy fake
beard. Why not just take your kids to visitors’ day at the local prison and let
your children hangout with the oldest inmate. He is sure to have a nice
jumpsuit and long beard.
That’s drastic, I know, but I mean, you
don’t know this guy…I don’t know this guy. And we’re like—“Here, yeah, take little
Johnny and ask him what he wants for Christmas. He is going to scream bloody
murder because you scare the hell out of him, but don’t worry about that, just
smile for the camera.”
In this precious memento of a photograph, our
kids have tears streaming down their faces because they have never been so
terrified with a big, round Santa Claus poser smiling in the background. Who
wants that photo? Let’s be more sensible people! Santa is a wonderful fictional
tale, but could be leaving a lasting scar on your child’s psyche.
3) Germs:
Whether you are a so-called “germophobe” or not, your internal radar should go
off about 10,000 times during the holidays when everyone wants to hold your
baby.
I used to only have extreme terror that the
germs were crawling on me, well now I have extended that wonderful fear to my
child. I’m terrified that other children, friends, family members, etc. are
going to get my kid sick.
So if a very darling child who is not
feeling well comes near my daughter, I nearly panic. I hold my daughter in the
air like she is Simba and I am presenting her to the other animals of the
kingdom. OK, maybe I do panic. I realize this is a wild overreaction to a
wonderful kid that wants to say “hi” to my baby.
So that’s one thing, but if I don’t know
your kid and we are out shopping at the mall. Please keep him the hell away
from my baby! Don’t let your snotty-nosed 8-year-old come over to the stroller and
hover over my daughter.
Germs! I might be alone on this one.
Bah Humbug. The next
post will be so full of hope and positivity that it will be difficult to read
without humming a tune or dancing a jig…I promise.
