The Holidays

Whew, I was not warned about the holidays with a child in tow.

While they were joyful, special and fun, the holidays were at times, a bit, how shall I put this…crazy and chaotic.

So with almost no research, I have compiled a list of three things new parents might also be reflecting on this holiday season.

   1) Performing: I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted from performing. Christmas is a really special time for new parents. We are overwhelmed with love and with a sense of gratitude. But… (you knew there was going to be a but) it can be a bit like being on stage. Let’s face it, new babies have no idea what was going on.

Take unwrapping gifts, for instance, you sit the baby in your lap, wrapped box in hand. You take her hands and try to help her to “unwrap the gift.” She fumbles around for a while, while everyone watches. Meanwhile you are smiling like a goof.  Eventually, you unwrap the gift and hey, it may or may not make a hideous noise.  Either way, you say “Thank you,” and the baby looks confused, with a furrowed brow, as if to say “Can we just eat and nap now?”

One day she will realize that the holidays are the only time it is socially acceptable for an adult to eat and nap for four days straight—I’m so depressed after writing that sentence. I need to take a break.

I’m Back! Except not that excited, so more like… I’m back.

   2) Traditions: Some traditions are very creepy. [My wife hates when I write the word very to add value to an adjective, but I’mma be real wich ya, VERY is necessary here.] Santa…amiright?

Parents pay money to stand in line for hours (often in a dingy, dirty mall), so that their littles can sit on the lap of an elderly stranger wearing a red velvet jumpsuit sporting a lengthy fake beard. Why not just take your kids to visitors’ day at the local prison and let your children hangout with the oldest inmate. He is sure to have a nice jumpsuit and long beard.

That’s drastic, I know, but I mean, you don’t know this guy…I don’t know this guy. And we’re like—“Here, yeah, take little Johnny and ask him what he wants for Christmas. He is going to scream bloody murder because you scare the hell out of him, but don’t worry about that, just smile for the camera.”

In this precious memento of a photograph, our kids have tears streaming down their faces because they have never been so terrified with a big, round Santa Claus poser smiling in the background. Who wants that photo? Let’s be more sensible people! Santa is a wonderful fictional tale, but could be leaving a lasting scar on your child’s psyche.

   3) Germs: Whether you are a so-called “germophobe” or not, your internal radar should go off about 10,000 times during the holidays when everyone wants to hold your baby.  

I used to only have extreme terror that the germs were crawling on me, well now I have extended that wonderful fear to my child. I’m terrified that other children, friends, family members, etc. are going to get my kid sick.

So if a very darling child who is not feeling well comes near my daughter, I nearly panic. I hold my daughter in the air like she is Simba and I am presenting her to the other animals of the kingdom. OK, maybe I do panic. I realize this is a wild overreaction to a wonderful kid that wants to say “hi” to my baby.

So that’s one thing, but if I don’t know your kid and we are out shopping at the mall. Please keep him the hell away from my baby! Don’t let your snotty-nosed 8-year-old come over to the stroller and hover over my daughter.

Germs! I might be alone on this one.

Bah Humbug.  The next post will be so full of hope and positivity that it will be difficult to read without humming a tune or dancing a jig…I promise. 

7 Steps to Finding the Perfect Naptime Tune

Naptime is crucial in the development of your little one or so I’ve read. Let me tell you what naptime really is…it’s a reprieve, a heavenly silence, a golden opportunity.

I recommend finding a good piece of music that puts the baby into a calm and restful place.

Trust me, the sooner you are able to replace the noise machine with real music the better. While it’s effective, the “hairdryer song” is not a long-term solution.

Back in 2009, I had a job where my office was in a separate building than the main building. I would have to walk back and forth between my office and the main building at least three times a day. My office environment was stressful and full of busy work. The main building was bustling with people/patrons/coworkers and events—equally as stressful. But the walk between was heaven. I took my time; I lingered at crosswalks, hummed and whistled. For me, the silence between two equally stressful environments was key. For us parents, naptime is key.

The right tune can trigger sleepiness in your little one sending her into a deep sleep and whisking you away to world free of crying, burping, peeing, and pooping (not that you don’t LOVE all those things).

Give these seven steps a try. What have you got to lose?

1. Find an artist you like, not love.  The never-ending hairdryer or white noise sounds can and will make you go crazy. Similarly, if you play your favorite music over and over you may be inclined to send hate mail to the artist.
2. Calm is best. I know. I know you love heavy metal and you can really find peace in the deep rhythmic tones of your favorite Slayer tune, but trust me the baby is not going to find the screaming frontman all that pleasant. The sound should be melodic, without much staccato or baseline. If it’s too upbeat that baby will start swing dancing in the crib. There is no money in swing dancing, so put the kibosh on that talent immediately.
3. Introduce music to baby slowly. As soon as you finally get your child to sleep, start the sound, low at first and build it to the desired level by the end of the nap. Make sure the sound is playing with the baby wakes up. Do this for at least a week or two of napping. Soon the baby will associate the sound with sleep and you can play the music when you start naptime preparations to put her in a peaceful, yet nappy spirit.
4. Hum the tune. While rocking and listening to the song, hum the tune to your baby. Heck, if you have some vocal talent why not sing a few bars along with the song. Your baby will then associate the sound with you and will always feel as though you are in the room, or rather they won’t feel alone. Side note: if you don’t have vocal talent, please don’t sing. Signed, Your Baby.  I’m sure George Strait is a great country artist, but the white hot rage I feel when his songs come on the radio is not healthy or logical (thanks, Dad).
5. Make extra noise. Your baby is sleeping in her crib. Her naptime music is playing at a nice level. Start making noise, empty the dishwasher, clean, talk on the phone, whatever you choose, just make extra. This will teach your baby to focus on the calming music and tune out all the other sounds. This way when she gets a little older, maybe, just maybe, she might tune out the friend you have over to watch the big game who likes to scream, “Touchdown” at the top of his lungs. Yep, he may get put on poopy diaper duty for that.
6. Relax. You did a good job. Your baby is now sleeping with her favorite sound. You are in your happy place thinking of the sandy beaches in the Caribbean, being served premium beverages by a not so unattractive person.
7. Find a new artist/song and start over. Because if you hear John Mayer sing Wildfire one more time you will personally drive to his house and rip out his vocal cords.

     And there you have it. Good luck. Enjoy your naptime peace.

What do you do all day?

For the past month I’ve been a stay-at-home dad. I’ve enjoyed every second. Over this short period of time, I’ve had comments made to me that seemed insensitive, and sexist. Mostly, I blow them off, but the one that keeps getting stuck in my craw (southern slang…you’re welcome) is when a male (who has kids) says, “So, what do you do all day?” It’s as if they are saying “Watching a baby is so simple, aren’t you bored doing nothing?” or “Don’t you want a real job?” It astounds me. 

The man that asks me this has proven two things. One, he is clearly not involved in the day-to-day of his children’s lives. And, two, he has no idea what that day-to-day entails. To him, a baby is a thing your wife puts in your lap, interrupting the big game, because she says she has to pee. Silly women and their bladders (She probably hasn’t peed all day because you don’t help!)

So, for all the dads who question stay-at-home parents and what they do all day, I’m going to break it down for you. Below is a sample schedule of a day with a little one. Warning: My daughter is five-months old and it might take that long for you to read it.

7:00 a.m. Baby wakes up after a little fuss and early morning smiles.

7:05 a.m. Change her diaper. You could fill a bucket with the amount of pee this diaper holds.

7:15 a.m.  Start getting all the necessary gear for the day: burp rags, pacifiers, toys, bouncy chair, pack-n-play—all while holding the baby.

7:20 a.m. Place baby in bouncy chair or as my wife and I call it her “pooping chair.”

7:25 a.m. Make coffee (for you, not the baby). Trust me, you need it. You didn’t sleep last night.

7:35 a.m. Coffee is brewing meanwhile the baby is blasting off in her bouncy chair.

7:45 a.m. Coffee is done, but she is sitting in the filth – go change her diaper. Inner dialogue: “Wait, didn’t I just changer her diaper? Well, aren’t you observant? Yes, you did just change her diaper. It happens often, get used to it. Don’t forget to use the butt paste!”

8:00 a. m. Yes, poopy diapers take a little longer. Back to the bouncy chair. you have to eat. Inner dialogue: “What,  you’re eating first? How dare you?” Start bringing breastmilk to room temp in bottle for baby.

8:15 a.m.  Bottle is almost warm enough. Set up feeding station: burp rags, pillows, phone (entertainment for you).

8:30 a.m. Bottle is ready. Remove baby from bouncy chair and get settled in at the feeding station.

8:40 a.m. Start feeding bottle to baby.

9:05 a.m. Baby is finished with bottle. Burp baby.

9:15 a.m. You thought you would never get her to burp, but she finally did. Commence playtime with baby, either in the chair or on a pallet in the floor.

9:30 a.m. Nap time #1 – While holding the baby, prep for nap time (she is getting too fussy to put down) gather blanket, set up pack-n-play (or crib), pacifier, sound machine, or music. My child loves John Mayer’s new album (Blog for another day). Ask yourself: “Does baby need to be changed? Not this time, she can make it until after nap.”

9:35 a.m. OOPS! Baby spits up her breakfast all over the place. While holding the baby, try to clean up. Use burp rag to wipe down yourself and baby. Use paper towel with foot to wipe up floor. If time permits you come back to clean the floor properly (Umm… you won’t come back).

9:45 a.m. Back to nap prep. Your arms are really tired.

9:50 a.m. Place baby in napping station.

9:52 a.m. Baby fusses.

9:53 a.m. Try shushing baby to sleep

9:54 a.m. That doesn’t work, pick baby up (Your arms are still tired).

9:55 a.m. Stand and sway with baby in arms (She seems to fall asleep)

10:00 a.m. Place baby back in napping station

10:01 a.m. Baby cries.

10:02 a.m. Shush baby to sleep while she is still down.

10:05 a.m. Baby is asleep and you are dizzy from shushing. Now, this part is key—you must stand perfectly still for at least five minutes. Like a T-Rex, your baby can sense movement and will wake up.

10:10 a.m. You’re in the clear. Quietly gather all the dirty burp rags and yesterday’s dirty puke-laden baby clothes and put those in the washer. Surprise! There are still clothes in the washer and dryer from yesterday. Switch all those and fold the dried clothes – Oh shit! These “dry” clothes are still wet, take the soaked clothes back out of the dryer and put in the damp clothes for another 15 minutes.

10:30 a.m. Stop and think about your life choices.

10:32 a.m. Baby cries. Shush her back to sleep

10:45 a.m.  Remove clothes from the dryer, put soaked clothes back in. Fold dry clothes.

11:00 a.m. Clothes are folded and on couch – start putting them away…and baby cries. She is up for real this time.

11:05 a.m. Change her diaper.

11:10 a.m.  Place baby in safe spot (such as center of bed, so she can’t roll off) refill diaper station with wipes and diapers. Check Diaper Genie to see if it is full (this thing is awesome) – all good

11:15 a.m.  Put hilarious outfit on baby. Baby girls really get some silly shit – make the most of it.

11:20 a.m. Take photo to commemorate this momentous occasion and send to mom.

11:25 a.m.  Put actual clothes on baby if you want.

11:30 a.m. She is hungry, did you start prepping the bottle? No?!?! Shit! While holding the baby begin bottle prep

11:35 a.m. Place baby in bouncy chair while bottle is warming to room temp.

11:38 a.m. Start prepping feeding station – You remember this part right?

11:48 a.m. Bottle still too cold – sing to the baby/play/distract anything to buy some time

11:50 a.m. She didn’t buy it, pick her up. While holding the baby, run scalding hot water over the bottle to warm it quicker. You burn your hand, but the bottle really doesn’t get any warmer…time is up, she is getting slightly cold breastmilk.

11:55 a.m. Take baby to feeding station and feed her

12:35 p.m. She is feed and burped. Time for play time #2. Place baby on a pallet or activity gym.

12:37 p.m. Remember that you didn’t finish laundry – Switch laundry quickly while baby plays (as long as you can see the baby while doing this) Fold laundry while baby plays. Note that you still haven’t put up clothes that you folded earlier.

12:44 p.m. Baby is absolutely sick of the play station – pick her up

12:47 p.m.  While holding baby, put away folded clothes – fold the unfolded later.

12:55 p.m. You are starving – place baby in bouncy seat…Immediate fireworks as soon as her butt hits the seat. You wonder how long she can sit in it. You decide at maximum 10 minutes. You tell yourself, “She may not be done” to justify being a terrible father. Eat something quickly

1:15 p.m. You had a pickle and a slice of cheese. Healthy! Change the baby.

1:25 p.m. She needs a new onesie, she had a major blow out. I mean shit has literally hit the fan.

1:40 p.m. Nap time #2 – You remember the routine

2:00 p.m. Baby won’t fall asleep. Pick her up and head to the rocking chair. Read her a book – Not Hop on Pop “Sad Dad Bad Had” What is that shit?

2:15 p.m.  She is finally asleep, make the transfer to napping station

2:25 p.m. She is successfully asleep (Well done, you!)

2:37 p.m. Go to the bathroom – even if you think you don’t have to

2:43 p.m.  Continue the laundry – fold, put up clothes. Clean bottles. Clean breast pumping equipment. Don’t lose the little white piece.

3:20 p.m. Relax for a minute, you earned it.

3:21 p.m.  Minute is up and so is the baby.

3:30 p.m. Change her diaper.

3:40 p.m. Sit quietly in the rocking chair together.

3:41 p.m.  That is not her favorite.

3:42 p.m.  Sing/play/entertain her any way you can. Mom will be home at 4 p.m. Just make it until 4!

3:57 p.m. Pray (with the baby) that mom will be home early.

4:00 p.m. Mom walks in.

4:01 p.m. Say nicely to mom, “Here, you take her.” Drink the coffee you made earlier that day.

So, what did you do all day?