What do you do all day?

For the past month I’ve been a stay-at-home dad. I’ve enjoyed every second. Over this short period of time, I’ve had comments made to me that seemed insensitive, and sexist. Mostly, I blow them off, but the one that keeps getting stuck in my craw (southern slang…you’re welcome) is when a male (who has kids) says, “So, what do you do all day?” It’s as if they are saying “Watching a baby is so simple, aren’t you bored doing nothing?” or “Don’t you want a real job?” It astounds me. 

The man that asks me this has proven two things. One, he is clearly not involved in the day-to-day of his children’s lives. And, two, he has no idea what that day-to-day entails. To him, a baby is a thing your wife puts in your lap, interrupting the big game, because she says she has to pee. Silly women and their bladders (She probably hasn’t peed all day because you don’t help!)

So, for all the dads who question stay-at-home parents and what they do all day, I’m going to break it down for you. Below is a sample schedule of a day with a little one. Warning: My daughter is five-months old and it might take that long for you to read it.

7:00 a.m. Baby wakes up after a little fuss and early morning smiles.

7:05 a.m. Change her diaper. You could fill a bucket with the amount of pee this diaper holds.

7:15 a.m.  Start getting all the necessary gear for the day: burp rags, pacifiers, toys, bouncy chair, pack-n-play—all while holding the baby.

7:20 a.m. Place baby in bouncy chair or as my wife and I call it her “pooping chair.”

7:25 a.m. Make coffee (for you, not the baby). Trust me, you need it. You didn’t sleep last night.

7:35 a.m. Coffee is brewing meanwhile the baby is blasting off in her bouncy chair.

7:45 a.m. Coffee is done, but she is sitting in the filth – go change her diaper. Inner dialogue: “Wait, didn’t I just changer her diaper? Well, aren’t you observant? Yes, you did just change her diaper. It happens often, get used to it. Don’t forget to use the butt paste!”

8:00 a. m. Yes, poopy diapers take a little longer. Back to the bouncy chair. you have to eat. Inner dialogue: “What,  you’re eating first? How dare you?” Start bringing breastmilk to room temp in bottle for baby.

8:15 a.m.  Bottle is almost warm enough. Set up feeding station: burp rags, pillows, phone (entertainment for you).

8:30 a.m. Bottle is ready. Remove baby from bouncy chair and get settled in at the feeding station.

8:40 a.m. Start feeding bottle to baby.

9:05 a.m. Baby is finished with bottle. Burp baby.

9:15 a.m. You thought you would never get her to burp, but she finally did. Commence playtime with baby, either in the chair or on a pallet in the floor.

9:30 a.m. Nap time #1 – While holding the baby, prep for nap time (she is getting too fussy to put down) gather blanket, set up pack-n-play (or crib), pacifier, sound machine, or music. My child loves John Mayer’s new album (Blog for another day). Ask yourself: “Does baby need to be changed? Not this time, she can make it until after nap.”

9:35 a.m. OOPS! Baby spits up her breakfast all over the place. While holding the baby, try to clean up. Use burp rag to wipe down yourself and baby. Use paper towel with foot to wipe up floor. If time permits you come back to clean the floor properly (Umm… you won’t come back).

9:45 a.m. Back to nap prep. Your arms are really tired.

9:50 a.m. Place baby in napping station.

9:52 a.m. Baby fusses.

9:53 a.m. Try shushing baby to sleep

9:54 a.m. That doesn’t work, pick baby up (Your arms are still tired).

9:55 a.m. Stand and sway with baby in arms (She seems to fall asleep)

10:00 a.m. Place baby back in napping station

10:01 a.m. Baby cries.

10:02 a.m. Shush baby to sleep while she is still down.

10:05 a.m. Baby is asleep and you are dizzy from shushing. Now, this part is key—you must stand perfectly still for at least five minutes. Like a T-Rex, your baby can sense movement and will wake up.

10:10 a.m. You’re in the clear. Quietly gather all the dirty burp rags and yesterday’s dirty puke-laden baby clothes and put those in the washer. Surprise! There are still clothes in the washer and dryer from yesterday. Switch all those and fold the dried clothes – Oh shit! These “dry” clothes are still wet, take the soaked clothes back out of the dryer and put in the damp clothes for another 15 minutes.

10:30 a.m. Stop and think about your life choices.

10:32 a.m. Baby cries. Shush her back to sleep

10:45 a.m.  Remove clothes from the dryer, put soaked clothes back in. Fold dry clothes.

11:00 a.m. Clothes are folded and on couch – start putting them away…and baby cries. She is up for real this time.

11:05 a.m. Change her diaper.

11:10 a.m.  Place baby in safe spot (such as center of bed, so she can’t roll off) refill diaper station with wipes and diapers. Check Diaper Genie to see if it is full (this thing is awesome) – all good

11:15 a.m.  Put hilarious outfit on baby. Baby girls really get some silly shit – make the most of it.

11:20 a.m. Take photo to commemorate this momentous occasion and send to mom.

11:25 a.m.  Put actual clothes on baby if you want.

11:30 a.m. She is hungry, did you start prepping the bottle? No?!?! Shit! While holding the baby begin bottle prep

11:35 a.m. Place baby in bouncy chair while bottle is warming to room temp.

11:38 a.m. Start prepping feeding station – You remember this part right?

11:48 a.m. Bottle still too cold – sing to the baby/play/distract anything to buy some time

11:50 a.m. She didn’t buy it, pick her up. While holding the baby, run scalding hot water over the bottle to warm it quicker. You burn your hand, but the bottle really doesn’t get any warmer…time is up, she is getting slightly cold breastmilk.

11:55 a.m. Take baby to feeding station and feed her

12:35 p.m. She is feed and burped. Time for play time #2. Place baby on a pallet or activity gym.

12:37 p.m. Remember that you didn’t finish laundry – Switch laundry quickly while baby plays (as long as you can see the baby while doing this) Fold laundry while baby plays. Note that you still haven’t put up clothes that you folded earlier.

12:44 p.m. Baby is absolutely sick of the play station – pick her up

12:47 p.m.  While holding baby, put away folded clothes – fold the unfolded later.

12:55 p.m. You are starving – place baby in bouncy seat…Immediate fireworks as soon as her butt hits the seat. You wonder how long she can sit in it. You decide at maximum 10 minutes. You tell yourself, “She may not be done” to justify being a terrible father. Eat something quickly

1:15 p.m. You had a pickle and a slice of cheese. Healthy! Change the baby.

1:25 p.m. She needs a new onesie, she had a major blow out. I mean shit has literally hit the fan.

1:40 p.m. Nap time #2 – You remember the routine

2:00 p.m. Baby won’t fall asleep. Pick her up and head to the rocking chair. Read her a book – Not Hop on Pop “Sad Dad Bad Had” What is that shit?

2:15 p.m.  She is finally asleep, make the transfer to napping station

2:25 p.m. She is successfully asleep (Well done, you!)

2:37 p.m. Go to the bathroom – even if you think you don’t have to

2:43 p.m.  Continue the laundry – fold, put up clothes. Clean bottles. Clean breast pumping equipment. Don’t lose the little white piece.

3:20 p.m. Relax for a minute, you earned it.

3:21 p.m.  Minute is up and so is the baby.

3:30 p.m. Change her diaper.

3:40 p.m. Sit quietly in the rocking chair together.

3:41 p.m.  That is not her favorite.

3:42 p.m.  Sing/play/entertain her any way you can. Mom will be home at 4 p.m. Just make it until 4!

3:57 p.m. Pray (with the baby) that mom will be home early.

4:00 p.m. Mom walks in.

4:01 p.m. Say nicely to mom, “Here, you take her.” Drink the coffee you made earlier that day.

So, what did you do all day?